Kobe Bryant, My Dad, My 'Inside Voice' & Turning 40

It wasn’t long after the tragic and sudden death of Kobe Bryant that I started hearing this voice inside saying to me, “If not you then who, Annie? If not now, then when?” I knew what it was telling me, one hundred percent. I knew that it was telling me I had more to give to the world and that I wasn’t using my God-given talents to their full potential. I also knew that I would never feel truly fulfilled unless I took the time to be quiet with myself and explore the essence of my core being, the core of which was a beautiful and unique person created by God. A woman who has overcome many trials and tribulations, and who has done so in faith and in pursuit of freedom. Freedom from the chains of feeling lonely, sad, and unworthy. Freedom from the chains of circumstance, of experience and of tragedy. A woman whose purpose had indeed been revealed to her years ago: to spread God’s love like the sunshine, to everyone in the world, most especially children.

You see, when I was only six years old, my dad died. He was killed in a terrible offshore accident. It was devastating. He was my best friend, my hero, and he died only three weeks shy of his 43rd birthday – three weeks shy! Although I was only six, I had quickly learned the power of grief and its lasting effect. I still vividly remember the night when my grandfather and two others came to deliver the news to my mom. It was horrible. I was scared. And my mom was understandably inconsolable. In an instant, my dad's life was taken from us. In an instant, our lives were forever changed. One. Single. Instant.

Just as I still feel the pain of that instant, I instantly felt the pain of Vanessa Bryant and her surviving daughters, Natalia, Natalia and Capri. Although I can't imagine losing both my dad and my sister so tragically, I couldn't shake the gut-wrenching pain that I felt deep in the pit of my gut. My mom was also widowed at only 37-years-old and was left to raise my sister and I on her own, without her spouse, her best friend and her forever love. To say that this tragedy had an incredible effect on me is quite an understatement. And the fact that Kobe was only 41 years old when he died only added to the eeriness and heartache that I was feeling, as my dad was only 42 when he died.

Through the power of grief, I also learned the power of life and how precious it is. So, as I found myself approaching forty, hearing that voice inside my head was a bit haunting, to say the least. Without a doubt, I knew what it was saying: I was meant for more. I was created for a purpose – not a dream but a God-given purpose – to be an advocate of hope to those who were exhausted from running the “rat race” of life. Sure, they were making money, successful in business, had master's degrees, great families, lots of friends, and were living a fairly good life, but WERE THEY FULFILLED? Nope, not really. And just how did I know this? Because “they” were really me, and I was really “them.” 

So, where did this leave me? It left me feeling vulnerable and insecure. It left me in a place of introspection and thought: Kobe Bryant was tragically killed at age 41; my dad was tragically killed at age 42; both of their wives were left widowed at age 37; the lives of those left to deal with the anguish of such tragedy were forever changed in an instant; life is not guaranteed to any of us; my heart hurts for all those grieving; this “voice inside my head” will not leave me alone; it's annoying and just won’t stop; I can’t shake the feeling of yearning for more in life; and, oh yeah, one more thing: I’m turning 40 later this year! Um, okay. 

So, really... how could I avoid the inevitable? Believe me, I tried. 

I tried ignoring the “voice inside my head” repeatedly, to no avail. It just kept getting louder and louder. And it would show up randomly when I least expected. Not when I was reflecting on things, but when I was doing the dishes, or taking a bath, or doing laundry. How random, right? Just random enough to get my attention when I least expected, so I could give it some thought. Enough to make an impact. Enough to let me finally see that it was God speaking to me, although that alone didn’t convince me.

It wasn't until one night in February that I finally surrendered to God's summon. It came after much reflection and attention to it. It began with listening to one podcast video interview, and then to another, until finally breaking down into full-fledged tears when listening to one of T.D.Jakes' sermons. Wow, was that moment powerful! I tried gaining my composure by waiving my white flag in surrender, and then I immediately started to journal. I wrote and wrote. And then I wrote some more. It didn't take long before gaining clarity, though. It was as clear as day when God told me, "Just trust in Me, and I will see you through."

And so I did. I let go.

I let go, not knowing what was next. I let go, not knowing how I was going to get there. I simply let go and decided to just TRUST that He had my back and would get me through the twists and turns of what was to come. 

He had been preparing me all along.

After declaring my commitment to "trust the process" and walk in faith, I continued to be open to all possibilities for growth and purpose. I already had so many tools and ideas readily available to me; I just couldn't see them before. From clarity came purpose. From purpose came drive. From drive came exploration and learning. From exploration and learning came opportunity. From opportunity came inspiration. From inspiration came insight. From insight came a designed plan to “level-up” and live in my purpose, spreading God's love, like the sunshine…all day, everyday. Then, from purpose came a newfound mission of helping others create the freedom they desire to live an abundant, successful, and joy-filled life. Because freedom is the key to building a fruitful legacy.

*What is God’s purpose for you? How do you get to step into it each and every day? Does it bring joy to the world? Freedom? Abundance? How does it feel to be aligned with your purpose? What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind for others to share?